I am loved

I started to journal about my morning when I decided to share it with you.  I’m putting things into place that helps me grow as a person and the truth is some things work and some things don’t. Some things need tweaked so that it fits your life. Just because something seems successful or is successful to one person doesn’t really mean it will be a good fit for you.  It is good to study successful people and learn their routines but then you have to fit those things into your life.   That is what I’m doing.

I’ve blogged about starting a morning routine and I am happy to say that in the two days I’ve started it waking up hasn’t been near as hard as I thought it was. I read somewhere that your last thought at night is your first thought in the morning so I’ve been making sure to tell myself that I want to get up when the alarm goes off.  I am excited to get up when the alarm goes goes.  I really am happy to be getting my morning routine underway.

Only the last two days my routines haven’t become a routine yet.  I’m going to call it trial and error but more importantly I’m going to call it progress.

Now, a little back story.  If you’ve read my last few post you know that I took myself off Paxil on November 1st. So today is day 3 Paxil FREE. Today is probably the first day I really had some type of side effect of the withdrawal.  I’ve had a slight headache for a couple days but nothing that a little natural remedy hasn’t helped.   But today… well.  I let it get the best of me and damn it, I had to apologize for it.

Back to the my morning routine, which has been interrupted so many times it has taken me an hour to write this.  Yesterday went well. I woke up at 5:15, fed the animals and let the dog out,  worked out, meditated, read and said my affirmations,  and even wrote in my journal. All before 7. Then I got to sit down and watch the news with my hubby like we always do until its time to leave for work .  I felt so accomplished. My plan for today was to duplicate it.

Oh you know what they say about plans. Let’s just say tomorrow is another day.

This would be where my two stories merge.  My morning routine + Paxil withdrawal = this blog! 🙂

So my alarm goes off at 5:15 like it did yesterday and just like yesterday I jumped up and out of bed.  I fed my two cats and my dog and let the dog out. Then I stood there feeling groggy and weak and just not right.  I was suppose to be putting my workout  on the TV at that moment. I had allotted thirty minutes for my workout this morning.  A feeling of overwhelming emotions hit me all at once and instead of working through them, I walked back to my room and went back to bed.  Now, I’m not saying I’m always ready to work out in the morning because truth be told I just am not use to it yet. Today was no exception and it was worse than usual.  So what did I do, I went back to my room and got back in bed.

I guess my husband had woke up to my alarm the first time it went off because he also woke up when I climbed back into bed. ” What are you doing?” he asked.   “I just don’t feel like working out.” I said and closed my eyes.   I laid there not asleep but not quite awake for the thirty minutes I should have been working out. When the alarm went off once again at 6, I jumped back out of bed exactly how I did the first time. It was a bit easier this time because I wasn’t really asleep.

I walk into the living and the minute I get there I have this overwhelming feeling of failure. Yes, I should have worked out.  I screwed up my own routine today.  I wasn’t dedicated or committed enough to get that workout in.  I could have worked out right then, I could have skipped the other stuff and got this one frog ate but then I turned from the TV deciding against it.  Again, feeling an overwhelming feeling of failure.

I went to the kitchen and got my lemon water that I had sitting in the fridge.  I love my coffee hot but I love my water cold. I grabbed it and headed over to my meditation fountain. I switched it on, turned around, and immediately saw my husband coming out of our room.  fountain

All those feelings of failure, all those overwhelming feelings that had been plaguing me for the last hour went spewing out of my mouth directed straight at him.  “Go back to bed, now!” I said.  Even as I said it I knew those words should have not even passed my lips.   “This is my time.” I said. I wasn’t calm. I wasn’t polite. I was hateful and pissed!

If I ever needed that mediation to ground myself it was right then.  The man looked at me like I had grown two heads.  “I’m not going back to bed. YOU woke me up twice with your alarms and getting in and out of bed. I can’t sleep so you are just going to have to deal with it!”  He wasn’t exactly hateful when he threw his words back at me, not as hateful as mine seemed but they cut right through me just the same.  Because they were true and warranted and I was being so very irrational. I started to cry and as I did all that kept going through my mind was, “Why the hell are you doing this?”

We had a very short heated conversation after that where he explained that I changed things that effected him.   It wasn’t his fault that my alarms woke up him and now he was up.  The man had a point.  This heated conversation lasted about three minutes tops. He sat down and turned on the TV to the news and I walked into the kitchen where I would have done my reading and writing and cried.

What I knew was reality and what I was feeling was two different things. It’s like watching yourself spiral out of control without being able to stop it.  Before I stopped taking my medicine I told all of the people I interact with on a daily basis this may happen. I have read so many horror stories.   The one thing I am thankful for was I could recognize the episode for what it was and stop it.  My husband also was pretty great about letting it go.  I apologized of course.   Women hate being wrong.   I also had a really great conversation with a really great friend who helped me see some things I need to adjust. Like making my own space for my morning routine where I won’t be interrupted if others decide to get up early as well.

Then as I began to journal I decided to blog instead.   The title of today’s blog is I am loved.  This is the title because this is my daily affirmation.  I did read it as soon as I got up.  It also helped me see the reasoning  and reality of my disrupted morning. It’s also something I’m going to continue to tell myself today as I battle the emotions that are still raging in my mind.

Along with repeating the affirmation I am also utilized my favorite blend of essential oils that help lessen stress throughout the day and evokes feelings of tranquility and balance. If you are interested in this blend for yourself please let me know. I would love to help you out there. i am loved

It is now time to get ready for work so I guess I will wrap this up.  Thanks for reading and wish me luck!